world full of ugly

what you wish for, you just might get it

2011-09-07T20:34:00.002-04:00

this morning dawned rainy, chilly, and grey. it was hard to get up. I skipped the gym, but I had to go in to work to meet a student. after that I stayed to prep for classes and study for a quiz I had at 4:30. it was fairly productive and I enjoyed myself. then my class was canceled. it was weird--I had this giddy moment like I was getting away with something, like when I was in classes and one would get canceled.

I got home and immediately put on sweatpants. my csa score this week was potatoes and leeks, so I made a big pot of soup. mp was supposed to have a show this afternoon, but it was canceled because of the rain. hanging out making dinner was like we were both skipping class. we sat down and ate soup and bread while watching a little tv.

a friend called and asked us out for drinks, but since I have an early class tomorrow I'm staying home and mp is going out. but I'm going to get into bed and read a book.

it's funny, when I got up this morning and saw and felt the weather, I just wanted to hang out all day in pjs and read a book or watch tv. I got as close to that as I could have while still fulfilling my obligations. this crummy, crappy, chilly day turned out actually pretty great.

is there more to life than love and being together?

2011-05-20T20:02:00.002-04:00

the life of an academic is filled with goodbyes. every year, I say goodbye to friends who graduate, get jobs, move away, go on adventures, go on to grad school, run off to live their dreams, or move to be closer to their families.

I'm mostly used to it. it's sad, but it's life, right? I can't keep everyone I love near me. and I myself have, on more than one occasion, been the one moving away for school or a job.

this year, three of my close friends were fortunate enough to find work and will be moving away, taking their partners with them. six friends I will not be seeing, hugging, laughing with on a weekly basis next year. I wonder when I will see them again. if I will see them again.

a couple of years ago, one of my dearest friends moved across the world from me, on an adventure with his partner. it seems as though things are mostly working out for him, and I'm happy and excited for him. but when he left, I hugged him and wondered when I would ever be able to do so again.

social networking sites help somewhat with this loss. even if I cannot hug someone, or go to dinner with them, I can keep up with what's new in their lives, and this makes me feel a connection.

but then, two weeks ago, a friend of mine died unexpectedly. I saw him several times a week, generally, and had seen him two days before he died. I've never lost a close friend to death, someone I see often and who is not old and not sick.

I miss him so much. he always made me laugh and I was always happy to see him. and I really haven't accepted his death, I don't think. I keep thinking, "I'll have to ask Matthew about that next time I see him" and then realizing he's not around. but even that realization is more like a delay...like he's just traveling for the summer and he'll be back in august, like so many other students. I'm not quite grasping that I will never, ever see him again, except in my memories and dreams. (I actually did dream about him last night. we're having a big party tomorrow night and I dreamed that he came to it. he was always at all of our parties.)

in other words, someone doesn't have to move away for there to be a possibility that I'll never see them again. every time I part with anyone may be the last time I see them. I hope this realization (if it ever really hits me) will make me a better person, to part from people on a good note, or at least in good will. there are so many wonderful, warm, unique people in my life, people I treasure, and I want our final interactions to be positive. since I'll never know when that might be, I'd like to live so that I'll never have to regret not having been kind when I could have been.

on the other hand, I hope this realization will help me be less afraid of having adventures of my own. if I am cautious and safe and stay near the ones I love, I will still have to say goodbye in some way, some day. there's no safety from that last conversation, the last hug, the last time I see your face in life.

I'm gonna soak up the sun

2011-04-10T19:26:00.002-04:00

today has felt like summer. the weather is warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. I blew off work and sat on my porch with the cat, flipping through fashion magazines and blissing out to the warm day.

and daydreaming about this summer. in a few short weeks it will be summer vacation. I need to write an article and update another, but I'm also planning some fun times. I'm going to wisconsin for a week. I'm going camping. I'm going to spend as much time as possible outside, on my bike, or on a blanket with a book. I'm going to host brunches on the front porch, dinners in the backyard, and lots of evenings of drinking wine. I'm going to go to lots of local rock shows and get lots of sleep and work out. I'm going to work on a photo project about my health.

I'm going to love every day.

hide out from the ones you know will love you

2011-03-21T19:23:00.003-04:00

I need a hobby.

yesterday I essentially waited all day for mp to come home from band practice. I assumed (erroneously) that she wouldn't be more than a few hours, and that we'd do something together when she got home. I had no reason to assume this, and when she'd been gone seven hours, I realized that I'd wasted a day.

I was angry. I still am. I feel like a fool for having wasted time that I could have spent doing...something. reading a book or watching a movie or writing an assignment or making a rubric or something. which brings me to my need for a hobby. the weather's not nice enough to go spend the day on a blanket in the park reading a book, so what to do when mp's off being a musician? besides sitting around like a damn fool, I mean.

this is something I've worked on before. I know I need to be more independent, make decisions and do what I want instead of waiting for others to fill my time. I need to learn to love time spent with myself, to be decisive and fill my time constructively rather than waste time until someone else comes along to fill it.

this isn't very organized. I've been thinking this over all day, frustrated and angry, and I thought I had it figured out more than this. I think the part I'm not being honest about is that I'm also annoyed that mp spends so much time with her bands. but the why of that should come back to me.

I ended up looking at bike repair websites, because my bike needs new tires and some other work. I learned some stuff, which is good.

a very very very fine house

2011-02-20T18:14:00.004-05:00

I love my apartment. it's a love that comes from prolonged familiarity and an accumulation of positivity. this is the sixth non-consecutive year we've lived here, and we will very likely live here next year as well. we've found an arrangement that gives the place a wonderful flow, a unique feeling for each space. the room that went almost unused in our previous tenency is now our couch and tv room, cozy and rumpled. the large main room is now a workspace with a large table and many bookshelves. the room also doubles as a dining room or social space when many people are over. the small adjacent room now has several chairs and all of our music, and it's very cozy and social as well as where mp does her computer work. our bedroom is still the bedroom, but we've managed to arrange it so that it feels roomier and, I think, more inviting. there are so many improvements, including the fact that our eccentric neighbor is no longer next door (meaning we will be able to use our large backyard this summer).

I love it here. I love the front porch, a social space when people are here and a quiet reading spot when they're not. I even love the tiny stall shower, too small to shave comfortably. I love the large kitchen and all the food I make there. I love that I know how far it is from the bed to the bathroom in the middle of the night, or how far it is to the coffeepot in the morning. I love that I know which floorboards squeak.

at our new year's eve party, I found myself telling someone that I never want to leave. of course, I know that I can't live in this place forever. I don't even know if the floorboards can withstand our bookshelves and filing cabinets another year. this place has serious structural iffyness, the lights flicker when the fridge kicks on, the large windows are painted shut, animals often live under our floors, and I'm sure mp could go on about how crappy this building is.

but this is our honeymoon house, the first place we lived after getting married. this house is where I learned to cook, where I made sourdough starter for the first time, grew my own tomatoes (or, rather, watched mp grow them). I wrote my dissertation here. I've had so many parties, laughed so hard, made so many connections here. I've decorated these walls over and over, swapping the photos and the art but leaving some things always.

I was once healthy in this house. I was a runner in this house. I dyed my hair and shaved my head in this house. I got sick in this house, lost friends, cried myself out. I've had screaming matches, watched movies, had the best days of my life here. I performed a choreographed dance in front of an audience, tried to do yoga while drunk, deep fried twinkies.

I've scrubbed these floors and washed these windows, and I know this place intimately. it's my nest, my sanctuary, my home.

like you, I too have played with fire

2011-02-19T19:49:00.003-05:00

we threw a party last september, and it was a great success. many people attended, including a great number who were new to town or unknown to us. one of these, with whom I had had a pleasant conversation during a get-to-know-you picnic, inquired about the Tamora Pierce books on the bookshelves. when I told her they were mine, we had a long and animated discussion about her books and about other fantasy narratives that focus on women.

she suggested I read books by Robin McKinley, and I've been hooked. I'm so excited to have been introduced to new fiction that, in addition to focusing on female characters, is really well-written. it's nice to have new worlds to fall into, to be exposed to new stories and new characters to stimulate my imagination. for all the harry potters and lords of rings, there are other stories that allow girls and women to be fully-developed characters rather than companions or love interests.

I started reading Pierce when I was 11 or 12, and still sometimes go back and read the Song of the Lioness quartet when I'm looking for something cozy and familiar. it's nice to discover another author I can let hang out in my cottage of imagination.

they'll reach in and grab what you're dreaming

2011-02-17T20:53:00.003-05:00

hmmm.

I've eaten too much junk food and not enough real food, so I feel queasy and gross.

the temps are rising. the hard freeze is ending. this winter will be over, like every other winter in my life (so far).

thmarn and I are struggling, battling winter blues and worrying about our futures. I have heard that life is what happens while you're making other plans, so I'm trying not to worry about the fact that I have no other plans. life, as it is, is nice.

this is scattered...I'm not making sense. but I've been wanting to blog again, so there's nothing for it but to jump in. remind myself that this place is here. next time I have something to say or ponder, I'll head this way.

you may find yourself

2010-10-01T12:40:00.002-04:00

the semester is in full swing, meaning that I'm looking for work again. I've been on the market, in some capacity or another, for 5 years now. it has changed me.

I didn't think this would happen to me, but my sense of self-worth has been impacted by being told "no, you're not good enough" so many times over so many years. I doubt my ability to write anything worth reading, or anything that will make a difference. I doubt my intellectual strength and depth, and fear that I'd no longer fit in with a dynamic and active department.

I doubt my ability to find an academic job that will be stable and secure, and that will provide me with gainful salary and benefits.

(however, I do not doubt my ability to teach. I'm pretty good at it, especially after all these years of practice.)

I feel myself retreating into a shell, a cave, shrinking away from the only thing I have the training and passion to do. I fear that this is not my career.

more than that, I've found that I'm losing my grip on my convictions, my passions, my hopes and dreams. the spectre of failure haunts my decisions, my attempts, my focus. I used to be on fire with ideas, dreams, aspirations, but now I just want to hang out with friends and work for a paycheck.

I find myself saying things like "I used to shave my head, but now I'm on the job market," or "I want to get a tattoo there, but I'm on the job market." I find myself investing in professional clothes rather than beautiful things.

how did I get here?

a mentor of mine once called me "feral." I loved it. but now I'm domesticated, waiting patiently for my next meal, sleeping comfortably, and doing next to nothing with my life.

I'm the last chick standing up against the wall

2010-07-28T18:22:00.002-04:00

mp and I moved into a new apartment this month. actually, to be more accurate, we moved back into our old apartment. then I got a job. the same job, basically, that I used to have. then, this week, I was told that I would be assigned to my old office.

...it's a little eerie.

so the good news is, yes, I found employment for a year. full time, benefits, actual paycheck.

but in other good news, as we were moving I discovered that I'm healthy and strong. not as strong as I was when I was 26, mind you, but strong enough to move with help only with the really big heavy stuff.

it really hit me when we were moving mp's books over. she'd had a really long day and was losing steam, so I told her to sit down and drink some water while I unloaded the carful of books. when I was done, she said, "thank god you're better."

and I said, "better than what?"

I'll miss the catch if you throw me the ball

2010-06-07T17:42:00.002-04:00

tomorrow I turn 34 years old.

I'm in the process of figuring out what to do for the next year. I have a few promising job possibilities, but so far no job. we'll likely be staying in bg for another year, something I am pleased about. we have to move, however, as our apartment's been rented.

for the last 4 weeks I've been teaching summer classes, and I finish on thursday. I'm glad; it's been a very busy and tiring 5 weeks.

I keep wanting to blog but not having the time. adjuncting is more work than teaching the same number of classes in one full-time job. additionally, being paid so little when one's bills are so high is stressful and makes me more tired than I think I would otherwise be.

but it's finally summer. the sun shines a lot, and the temperatures are high. I may not have to wear pants again until october. I never wear socks, except when I go to the gym, which I haven't been able to do this whole summer session.

the powerhouse of a medication I'm on is working very well. every few weeks I realize that I can do something I couldn't do before. on saturday when I was prepping for today's class, I noticed that I was able to make a fist. a fist! I haven't been able to do that since maybe 07. I can walk around the house barefoot, with no arch support, for a while before it starts to ache. it's one heck of a ride, but it's working.

and I still love bg. I love walking to and from the bars on the weekends, walking to school during the year, riding my bike beneath all the trees. I love how familiar I am with everything.

so tomorrow I turn 34, and this is my update. I'm still in a state of career crisis. I'm running out of money, and after thursday I have no concrete plans to make more. but my day-to-day life nourishes me, and I'm surrounded by friends and good people, and I am happy.

find a new reason, a new way of living

2010-03-15T12:54:00.002-04:00

last week was spring break, and I really really needed it.

the job search is going nowhere. I'm being slowly devoured by my bills. my jump drive has maybe been erased and I haven't yet managed to recover any files from it. I'm busier than I can remember being in a long time.

and two weeks ago, our younger cat, our sweet baby b, our beezle, died very suddenly for no known reason.

I've never had to say goodbye to an animal who wasn't also my parents'. I miss her, and I've been sad.

so over break, rather than hit the road, I opted to stay home, sleep, and catch up on stuff. mp and I watched the first season of fringe and we just...relaxed. it. was. awesome.

the bleakness of this job market, not just for me but for many, many of my peers, has made me decide to go back to school. I'll earn another master's degree and embark on a new career. this stress of continually, constantly, worrying about what my next semester's work will be is starting to get to me.

she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something

2010-02-12T11:15:00.002-05:00

a few weeks ago, we got the greatest surprise. two friends of ours, who live many states away, showed up on our doorstep for an overnight visit!! holy cow, what a surprise.

and we had so much fun. we showed them the town, did all our favorite things to do in bg, and gave and received many hugs. it was friday night, so places were crowded. our service at dinner was really slooooow, and even howard's was busy and noisy. we didn't get to introduce them around, as there wasn't a central activity going on (and besides, we wanted them all to ourselves).

they're friends of ours from michigan, and over the years we've become quite close. I find them to be truly high quality, always look forward to talking to them and seeing them, and really care about what they think. their opinion of me really matters.

mp and I adore them both, but one of them, t, is far more outgoing. she's quick with a smile, a hug, a joke, a compliment, and really, really good advice. she's kind-hearted and honest, and I always know I can talk to her. and she brought us freshly baked bread!!

the other, a, is more shy and reserved, and as a result, I take her much more seriously. when she says something, it holds weight, even if I don't get it right away. it took a while for me to realize that she enjoyed my company, as, compared to t, she's a silent enigma.

they showed up without warning, two weeks into the semester. meaning, our house was dirty and messy. I warned them before they came in that our place was really awful. one of the first things a said was, "it smells good in here."

at the time, I smiled and said thanks. later, I realized that this was a really sweet comment--she was letting me know that even if my house was messy, it wasn't gross, that it was a nice place to be. this is what I mean when I say that her words have weight, a weight I usually take a while to lift.

steal my sun away

2010-01-05T14:05:00.002-05:00

a winter depression has hit our house.

this morning, one of my spring classes was dropped due to low enrollment. another one will almost certainly also be dropped. but there are always classes added in this last week, so there's definitely still time for work to appear. I hope. thmarn is taking it pretty hard for some reason, and I'm doing my best to let her be as blue as she wants.

yesterday I applied for what would be a dream job for me. I really, really want it.

it's snowy, but a little warmer today than it was yesterday, so it's a good time to run some errands. I'm going to try to stay busy and cheerful. if I had plenty of work I would have no time to enjoy, so I'm going to enjoy my free time while I have it.

there is a season

2010-01-02T01:17:00.002-05:00

2009 was a mixed bag.

at the end of the year, I was overworked, underpaid, tired, stressed, and poor.

I was also happy.

two years ago, while out with friends, I said that my resolutions were to find a tenure-track job and to make progress on the process of having a baby. life threw obstacles at me that kept either from happening. so this year I'm not making resolutions. I am, however, going to do more of the things that increase my quality of life. I made a big list of these things in my journal, to help me remember them on days that are hard.

at our party, we put out a sheet of paper with the words "I resolve to..." on it, and let folks write what they would. somebody wrote "value every day." that's exactly what I'm going to do.

she was speaking in cursive

2009-10-24T14:45:00.002-04:00

one of my jobs is teaching at a school 30 miles away. I do a lot of thinking as I drive, although I teach so early in the morning that the quality of my thoughts is fairly superficial. it's still dark out as I drive to school, and the world seems sleepy as I drive through it. the road is very straight, and it feels sometimes as if I am on a huge treadmill, driving as the road unrolls ahead of me and disappears behind me.

I think about my lesson plans, my social life, the big events coming up, the weather, the music I'm listening to, my future. besides being sleepy, I'm usually quite content on these drives.

sometimes on the way home I stop at a produce market and pick up apples, or squashes, or pumpkins. I watch the seasons change and think about what the drive will be like next semester, in January and February.

my commute to the in-town school is very different. I walk to school, often listening to music, and watch the city get ready for its day. I see people buying coffee, workers sweeping sidewalks and washing windows, and the cat who lives in the storefront watching it all too.

there is water at the bottom of the ocean

2009-09-27T02:55:00.002-04:00

today was mp's birthday. we slept in, had breakfast and coffee, and ran a couple of errands. when we came home, mp did some class prep while I baked her a cake and made a fruit crisp. then we went to dinner, which was very tasty, then hung out a bit before going out. we went to the bar, and lots of friends came out to wish her a happy birthday, and we all had a great time. all evening, I was surrounded by great people and excellent conversation. mp laughed, and drank the drinks people bought her, and played pool, and had fun.

we never got around to eating the cake, so there is a whole cake in the fridge.

happy birthday, mp. I hope this year is full of all sorts of wonderful things for you. I love you.

what you don't have, you don't need it now

2009-09-13T17:48:00.003-04:00

I am not a musician.

this has, at times in my life, been a problem. as a young person, I had this pesky habit of dating musicians who thought that anyone who wasn't a musician was just not as good as someone who was. with one, there was this ongoing argument that I lacked passion because of it. with another, I lacked discipline. with yet another, I just wasn't as cool.

I developed quite a chip on my shoulder about musicians, thinking them to be pretentious and mean-spirited. then I met thmarn, who dislikes those types of musicians just as much as I do. so I got over it.

I still don't know that much about music. I know what I like, what I appreciate, what I respect. but I know that there are moments when music wraps me up in a sense of shared experience and just generally makes me feel wonderful.

last night, thmarn and I went to see U2 in Chicago. we love U2 and have seen them a lot. thus, we've had a lot of experience with U2 fans, who are crazy at best. most of the time, we try to steer clear of them, as they often have an overinflated sense of entitlement and a rabid competitiveness ("I see you went to the last tour...I saw them four times on that tour."). so we were prepared for a lot of unpleasantness and were not disappointed.

(I should say, however, that we saw several acts of just fan-related kindness--people being nice to each other just because. there were also lots of families there, just happy to be having fun together.)

both before the show and after, we seemed surrounded by the worst kind of fandom. however, while the band was onstage, I was filled with that bubbling, connected euphoria that comes sometimes when you're watching live music with a crowd. I looked around the stadium and saw tens of thousands of hands waving and clapping. to my right was a guy who was at the show solo but dancing and belting out the songs for all he was worth.

I threw my hands in the air and sang my heart out. what a wonderful night.

take a second, take a second, take a year

2009-09-10T20:20:00.003-04:00

the first few weeks of a semester is always a lot of work. there's this constant scramble to read, and prep, and get used to the new schedule. this semester I'm teaching 3 classes at 2 different schools. I teach monday through friday. I have 3 separate preps, all new. it's the third week of classes and I'm exhausted.

I know I'll get used to the schedule, but for now I'm tired. I don't have time to do all the other stuff I should be doing: job hunting, revising my article, writing new material, preparing for a conference, etc.

I get to walk to work every day. well, at one school I do. I get to teach new material, so I'm definitely not bored. and I am once again surrounded by people who are clever, smart, funny, and kind.

not to sound like I'm on repeat, but life is, for right now, pretty great. I feel like I've been given this little bit of time to just...float, and heal, and renew. even though I really have more work to do than time, it feels like a break to me.

I'm ready to say "I'm glad to be alive"

2009-08-19T13:14:00.004-04:00

I'm back in BG. this is, in some ways, the equivalent of moving back in with my parents--I've come home to live with a certain sense of security and a strong support network.

but I still get to teach, at least a little bit. the cost of living is low. I get to hang out with friends any time I care to.

I haven't seen thmarn laugh this much in a long time.

when I was making plans to move back, I was trying to describe to a friend how I felt about it. I eventually said this:

"relief. like silence after too much noise, or sleep after a hard day, or the feeling when a cramped muscle releases. ahh."

I can breathe again. I'm home again.

we do what we do to get by

2009-05-21T15:39:00.003-04:00

I've caught up on sleep and have become more like myself than I usually am. I've started my summer reading. first I read A Maze of Death by P.K. Dick, now I'm reading Beautiful Boy by David Scheff. next is Dervish is Digital by Pat Cadigan.

I'm happy to be reading again.

but summer is stressful, too. I keep applying and applying for jobs, and hearing...nothing. it's a scary place to be.

in much more superficial news, I got my twice-a-year haircut yesterday. it was pretty painless, way better than usual. I hate getting my haircut. the stylists are always so vapid and they never do what I ask them to.

when my hair got long, everyone started praising it. it gave me the creeps, a little. some people really did like it, but others just liked it because they like long hair. a couple of weeks ago a friend visited and tried to get me to cut it short again. but she dislikes long hair just for being long. so I have to decide what suits me. and both short and long hair do that. I'm just too lazy and indecisive to choose a haircut, so it just keeps getting longer.

I'll bet that when I get somewhere new, and break the spell of this place, I'll be inspired. with my hair, with my work, with my life.

you've got perfect fingers

2009-05-08T13:24:00.002-04:00

I'm done grading. the sun is shining. friends are visiting this weekend. I did a bunch of cooking yesterday and now have aphrodite cakes, hokey pokey biscuits, and chocolate covered strawberries at home. what a nice day!

actually, there's a funny story about the berries. last night was my first time making them, it was meant to be a sort of post-beltane treat. but the recipe I was using was a little off, and I had a bunch of leftover melted chocolate and no washed, dried, chilled berries. so I called thmarn into the kitchen, and we took turns feeding each other freshly washed berries dipped in the chocolate! we thought that if we ever had kids, we could look back on that evening and say, "remember when we didn't have kids, and we used to feed each other chocolate and strawberries?" as if we do that all the time. it was very decadent--something out of a movie.

you're thinking my idea of fun is a drag

2009-05-06T13:59:00.003-04:00

it's finals week, and I'm almost done. in a few days the semester will be behind me. with this comes the exhiliration of having free time, of reading fiction, and of shorts and tank tops. no more socks till september! also present is the unmooring feeling of not having work to do every single minute. that's usually stressful until I get used to it--I'm anxious and guilt-ridden for relaxing until I remember that there's nothing else I'm supposed to be doing.

and this year, there's the additional feeling of utter fear. I do not yet have work lined up. as of friday, I'm unemployed with no plans for the future. thmarn and I have some ideas on the table, but nothing's for sure. it is weird and freaky and occasionally panic-inducing.

on the other hand, the trees are turning green. I can wear sandals. I can go out without a coat, without leggings, without stockings. the sun shines more often than not. the pool will open later this month. soon I'll be able to get enough sleep. the farmer's market will have fresh veggies, and the windows will only be closed for rainstorms.

summer is my favorite time of year, and now that Beltane's past, it will get more summery every day.

there is also a certain amount of glee that I will not be working this job next year. I have not been happy here.

you've got a big mouth and I bet you think you're clever

2009-04-23T15:53:00.003-04:00

I've been grading for days, and there is no end in sight. the major project in all of my classes this semester is kind of bulky, so right now I have 5 file boxes full of student work all over my office.

every time someone comes by, they say something about it. wow, that's a lot of grading. wow, you're so busy. wow, what a big assignment. the thing is, though, I'm not working any harder than my colleagues. right now we're all grading till we burn out. my student work is just more visually bulky.

but people love to comment on that stuff. my friend sr and I used to laugh about that--how people always say the obvious. (I think it's a Hitchhiker joke, but I don't remember the books well enough--can someone confirm?) when I go to trader joe's I always buy a lot of cat food. without fail, the cashier says, wow, you must have a lot of cats! every paycheck I buy quarters for the laundry. the teller always says, wow, you must have a lot of laundry! I realize that we all do this--talk about the obvious with people we don't know. but it gets old when you've heard the same thing from 50 different cashiers in hawaiian shirts.

it is, in fact, a lot of grading. but no more than most professors are slogging through right now.

I wake up scared, I wake up strange

2009-04-21T15:43:00.002-04:00

last night I woke up about a half hour after I'd fallen asleep, totally confused. luckily mp was still awake and able to answer my questions about what time it was. she also got me another blanket since I was cold.

lately on the bus I've really been liking the songs that talk about change. I like: "I wake up scared, I wake up strange, I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever gonna change. I wake up scared, I wake up strange, and everything around me stays the same." I also like "Feels like nothing's gonna change. Everything still remains the same."

the thing is, these don't relate to my life. I don't know what it's like to live in the same place, work the same job, and have the same life for all that long at all. the academy is a terrible place if those are the things you're looking for. everyone I love lives far away, mostly not in the places where we met.

even here, in this place where time seems to stretch on and on, things change. I see the changes every day on the bus. even in the frozen white of winter, things changed day to day.

maybe it's just a part of my love for bittersweet lyrics. I love the songs that ache, the ones that yearn. while my life hasn't settled long enough to get boring, the sentiment tugs at me.

although last night I really did wake up strange. I blame chemistry.

I'm gonna tell the whole world that you're mine

2009-04-06T20:55:00.002-04:00

7 years ago today, thmarn and said we liked each other enough to make our relationship permanent-like, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, in times of sorrow and in times of joy. we've been through all of those things, and lots more, and I look forward to what the years ahead hold.

I still like her a whole heck of a lot.

I'm sorry for thinking that I knew what I was doing

2009-03-30T15:14:00.002-04:00

mp and I went to bg for spring break. we had a great time, of course, as always. it was almost like we hadn't left. we got to see almost everyone who is still there, as well as a couple of folks who aren't anymore.

but it was also a sobering trip. with every group we sat down with, we ended up having the conversation about what happens next. who among us have jobs lined up for next year? who among us have stable work? who among us is in a satisfying position? very few of us.

I do not yet have work lined up for next year. mp and I are starting to think about what kinds of options we have, where we might go, what kind of work we might pursue. in some sense, this is actually kind of exciting, an adventure, an opportunity to make decisions not based on where the next job is. in another, of course, it's terrifying.

I could ponder if graduate school was the wisest of my decisions. I could have pursued work in something more reliable. but this pondering would largely be a waste of my time. for one thing, the competition for my least wise decision in life would be fierce! for another, many people in many professions are asking themselves, right now, what they could have done to better protect themselves from the economic uncertainty we're living with. graduate school was a great adventure, an enriching experience, and an overwhelmingly happy time.

I may not always have made the best decisions, but...je ne regrette rien.

I did not notice the passersby

2009-03-24T12:23:00.003-04:00

this past weekend, I made apricot muffins and seed cookies. we cleaned the apartment. I took my full-spectrum lamp back to the storage garage. we opened the windows. spring is here. time for new beginnings, for waking up and stretching, for seizing the day.

it's not my favorite time of year, that being summer, but there's something about this time, when everything's sodden and filthy, when the snow is melting and the air is softer, that reminds me of the bright, hot days to come. I don't automatically clench everything when I go outside, I don't have to wear my heaviest overcoats, I can start to relax and not dismay at having to leave the house. I can relax, and look forward to what comes next.

the next few months will bring new things, even if I can't see yet what they will be. I look forward to turning the page on this particular chapter, even though I have no idea what the next one will be like.

Did I try to deny it would fall apart?

2009-03-03T11:29:00.002-05:00

mp gave me a teeny portable music player recently. I've been using it to tune out my commute. mostly, I like it a lot. I keep dragging cds to my office with me to load stuff onto the player. about a week ago, I brought Erasure's Cowboy with me. I love this album, but haven't listened to it in a while. in fact, listening to it took me back to 01-02, when I would take it to the gym and listen to it as I worked out. I was dealing with a particularly painful personal issue at the time, and the gym was great therapy. (I often feel that a good workout can take care of a lot of the little problems in life. if I'm still upset about it after a 3-mile run or a whole circuit of weights, then it might be a real problem.) but now the album is bringing back some of that angst, the anger and sadness that was building up in me. I know that after repeated listenings in new contexts, that will wear off...but for now, I think of lost friendship, of isolation, of helplessness. considering how things have played out, it's bittersweet. the best years of my life were ahead of me, and the drama of those days seems so remote.

I'll tell you something that you know is true

2009-02-24T13:01:00.003-05:00

yesterday I went to the store and bought bath tissue, club soda, and powerade. wonder if anyone could tell I have a GI bug?

are there novels by her bed?

2009-02-20T12:18:00.002-05:00

when I was young, I loved to read. my mother would often tell me that I read too much, that I should get outside and "do something." I read for pleasure pretty consistently until I entered graduate school for my ph.d. (I still read while getting my master's degree, and for the couple of years I was in a ph.d. program that did not work out for me.) but upon starting the program, I found that I had far less time to read for pleasure. any time available to read was spent reading theory, or methodology, or students' papers. additionally, I increasingly noticed, it was difficult to read. I was getting better at reading for main points, reading rapidly, and skimming at a highly functioning level, but it was becoming harder to read a sentence slowly, to savor the words themselves, to read for description rather than analysis.

I started reading magazines, and I still do. the stories are short, they don't require a big time committment, and they're fairly superficial--I can put it down and pick it up and still know what it's about. now even the blogs I used to love to read because they were intelligently and beautifully written are increasingly abandoned as their owners move to facebook. I'm reading less and less, it seems.

I was good at school (k-12) because I liked to read, it was a pleasure and it was easy. I went to college, and then to graduate school, partly because I loved reading and the knowledges that followed, because there was a world in the written word and I wanted to explore it. but now, reading is a luxury I can rarely afford. my whole career is reading: student work, textbooks I've assigned, new research in my field, my own papers. when I have free time I don't reach for a book. and when I do (I still try to read a few novels every summer), it takes some practice before I can really get back to reading rather than trying to pick out major themes, terms, and concepts.

when I was in college, I lived with two friends. we would often find a book, and all three of us would read it, and talk about it. like a book club or a seminar. I really miss reading, but I also really miss talking with people about the stuff that I'm reading.

the space between my reflex and my resolve

2009-02-12T15:36:00.002-05:00

the temperature has been in double digits above zero for nine days. it has been wonderful.

mp and I have finally decided to go to bg for spring break, as long as the weather cooperates. once we'd made the decision, we got giddy about it. now we mention it almost every day.

I can't believe that it's the 5th week of classes, and I'm keeping up with my grading and prep and stuff. I'm even getting my ASL work done. I hope I can ride this all the way through the semester! the only drawback is that when I grade things within the week, students come and ask me if I got their assignment when I haven't graded it the very next day. heh.

grind my teeth smooth and flat in my sleep

2009-02-03T15:16:00.003-05:00

for years, I just wore tshirts and boxers or sweatpants to bed, if anything. last year, with the free heat, I started wearing the slightly less warm flannel pants instead of sweats. over the summer, I found a set of satin pjs on clearance and decided to give them a shot. now I don't know why I ever wore anything else.

I'm wondering, if I slept on satin sheets, would I slip right out of bed?

take a breath of the northern air

2009-02-03T14:50:00.002-05:00

the cold snap is supposed to end in the next day or two. after that, maybe, we'll be done with the bitterest, hardest, coldest part of winter. but we'll see.

while I'm not a fan, it hasn't been that bad, really. here are some things that are making winter a little easier on me:

-we get lots of sunshine here. plus, our apartment is on the 3rd floor and has southern exposure, so we get lots of light in our home.
-free heat! seriously, it's so nice to come home and be warm. I love that I don't have to wear three or four layers and lie under a blanket to be comfortable in my own home.
-free snow removal. I never have to shovel anything. this does mean that I'm at the mercy of the apartment management, but they're pretty good about it.
-public transportation. I never have to scrape a car, or sit shivering waiting for the engine to warm up, or walk from a parking lot. just from bus stop to office, or bus stop to home.
-I've been diligent about sitting in front of my full-spectrum lamp every morning. maybe it's just a placebo effect; I don't care. so far I haven't tumbled into the same depths of depression that I found myself in last year at this time.

it's the fourth week of classes. things are going pretty well. I've managed to stay on top of grading so far, for example, which is unusual for me.

I'm also taking an asl class, and am really enjoying it. it's great to be a student again, learning new stuff, new challenges, struggling to retain new info. I actually had a lot of fun in class last night.

smile when you're down and out

2009-01-22T15:24:00.002-05:00

it's a new year, but nothing's really all that new. it's a new semester, and I'm teaching new things, but I don't have a lot of news.

over the holiday break, I was reminded by a few folks to really appreciate the moment I'm in. I once again bought the slingshot organizer for my year, and the nice folks at slingshot introduced their datebook by reminding me that "clocks and calendars help give the illusion that you can find satisfaction and meaning sometime in the future.... These illusions keep everyone chasing their tails, thinking about the future, not noticing the present moment and the place we are now."

I had dinner with a friend, and remembered that last year at our holiday dinner I'd had plans for 2008: land a tenure-track job and start working on having a kid. neither came to pass, and so I put off making plans for 2009. I'm going to try to just let the year happen. "try" is an important word here.

in addition to slingshot and my dinner date, a friend put a letter in his holiday card reminding me that right now is the only time I can really count on. and, finally, another friend blogged on losing a relationship and how everyone could work a little harder on seeing what's good about what we have.

it all adds up to this: I'm sick of living in anticipation. of course I'm going to keep making goals and striving toward them, but I don't want them to dominate my immediate reality. a small thought, perhaps, but one I'm going to work on.

waiting for signal

2009-01-16T12:45:00.001-05:00

I'm still here. I have blog posts in my head. stay tuned.

there would be a sunset and the camera would pan away

2008-12-18T13:50:00.002-05:00

as it is finals week, and all I'm doing is sitting here waiting for students to come to conferences, I'm reading Entertainment Weekly and blogging. (of course, I should be working on next semester's syllabi, or that paper I really have to write, but whatever.) stephen king writes a column for ew that I usually find pretty entertaining. this is a guy who unabashedly likes pop culture. this column is about the movies he loved in 08. and, besides the fact that he likes Jason Statham, which is a plus in my book, he has this to say:

"I'm not trustworthy when it comes to movies. I'm two-minded about them. ... [At Saw V] my forebrain was thinking Oh, man, this is the year's biggest pile of cinematic dog vomit. But the rest of my brain is thinking, I'm at the mooooovies! IS THIS GREAT OR WHAT?"

to which I must reply: I'm with ya, Uncle Stevie.

santa can't bring me what I need

2008-12-18T12:43:00.004-05:00

another semester behind me.

really, this one flew by. I can't believe I'm recording grades this afternoon. that I get to leave my office today and not come back for a couple of weeks.

no new job yet. I'm going to wait until the first week of second semester to let that one freak me out, though.

mp and I got a teeny tree for our balcony. it's pretty.

as usual, we're going our separate ways until new years. she's leaving on sunday to visit her parents, and I'm going to see mine on tuesday. I'm not that into xmas per se; I like the pretty lights, and the idea that we should all be nice to each other, and holiday food like hot apple cider and cookies. but the day itself isn't that meaningful to me, and it's mostly ok that mp and I celebrate on new years. but every now and then, when I'm hanging with my parents and thinking about her, I think it would be nice to spend the day together. maybe someday we'll have a setup like that. if not, that's ok too. it's sort of a treat to know that I still get to celebrate the winter holiday with mp after I'm done with all of the performative work of celebrating with family.

it's just the same old thing

2008-12-09T15:34:00.000-05:00

grading. so much grading.

keep them close, you won't never lose your way

2008-11-26T11:56:00.005-05:00

I am thankful. as it is the time when one is encouraged to count one's blessings, I thought I'd write some of mine down.

I have a job. while it is not the one I really want, it is stimulating, it keeps me busy, and it pays me well. it's the job I've worked toward for as long as I can remember, and it's fairly satisfying.

I have a wonderful home.

I have really excellent friends. I am continually amazed at the wonderful people in my life, and how cool it is that I get to share my time and my thoughts with them.

I have a family who loves me and is proud of me, even though I'm a lefty academic elite dyke and thus officially qualify as the black sheep.

I get to live with two beautiful cats.

I have the greatest partnership I can really imagine. really.

I'm thankful for music and literature and movies and sunshine and good food and wine.

I'm thankful to Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and Tina Fey for getting me through the past few months with a little laughter.

and, of course: I am thankful, so thankful, that Obama won the election. thank you, fellow Americans!

speak slow

2008-11-24T17:04:00.002-05:00

I just had a weird meeting with a student.

she's working on her final project, due in a week, and wanted to have another look at the examples of strong student work from the past. she paged through it, and said "so do most students do really well on this? do most people get As?"

no, I told her. at this she didn't understand. "but it's just like a final, but in a project," she said. "you just have to apply stuff that we've been talking about all semester."

it was a great moment. I spend so much of my teaching time dealing with the squeaky wheels that the ones that roll along just fine without any help from me, thank you very much, escape my attention. but there are students who take responsibility for their own grades, who take note of assignment requirements and do it right the first time.

see? weird.

turkey legs and raw fish eyes

2008-11-24T11:47:00.002-05:00

ok, so my parents are coming for thanxgiving. I'm excited to have them, and to cook for them. but the menu is getting a little out of control. there's only four of us eating, but things keep getting added to the list.

I'm making a persimmon bread that I like a lot, and serving it with cheese chunks, olives, and drinks while we labor on the main meal.

I've found a fun-looking recipe for a "roast" made of marinated formed tofu and stuffed with stuffing, and I'll be making that. I also bought a faux-turkey roast to make in case my experiment is either tasteless or icky. but then, there's:

-rolls
-mashed potatoes
-gravy
-yam dish (my aunt's recipe, my mom requested it)
-rutabega
-peas
-lefse
-cranberry sauce
-extra stuffing in case the "roast" doesn't work

then, for dessert, I was going to make pinenut pie and serve it with ice cream, but my mom called and said that she's bringing two pies, a pumpkin and a pecan, so now I have to get whipped cream too.

there will also be beverages, beer and wine and pop and water and coffee, and cookies for later when watching tv.

but now I'm wondering if I need a salad of some sort; something fresh. what else am I missing?

my mom told me yesterday not to make any "weird" vegetables, giving as examples squash and artichokes. huh? isn't she the one who's supposed to tell me to eat my vegetables? and what's weird about artichokes? she also said that she's been bragging to everyone that I'm a good cook, and now I have to prove it to her. nothing like a little pressure. where did she get the idea that I'm a good cook? loving to cook does not mean that one is good at it.

anyway, wish me luck.

I think I need a sunrise

2008-11-13T15:01:00.002-05:00

did you know that if your bladder is really full, a half-hour subway ride is pure hell? or that people in different disciplines argue about how to deal with interdisciplinarity? that the best friends are the ones who you don't see in months, and manage to pick up your conversation as if you saw them yesterday? that even if you love your vacation, it's wonderful to use your own shower and sleep in your own bed?

lessons from boston.

what a wonderful week.

proud to be an American

2008-11-05T08:58:00.003-05:00

I am so happy.*

and now I get to go to Boston, one of my favorite places, to celebrate.

*well, except for all the anti-gay issues that passed yesterday.

keep on passing the jug 'round

2008-11-03T10:57:00.002-05:00

Granny died last monday. her funeral was friday. we got dressed up and drove down, then hugged and shook hands. we listened to folks say really nice things about her. the weird parts of the day were going through her stuff and then eating and drinking with family.

after the service, thmarn and I went over to Granny's apartment, where we were invited to paw through all of her stuff and take whatever we wanted. it was the only chance we were going to get to do that, so we just did our best. it was odd, in that when you do this you see all the things that we gather to ourselves and leave behind. the ultimate lesson of "you can't take it with you." I took some decor, some jewelry, some books, some kitchen things, put my name on a couple pieces of furniture. the best thing was that I got the tassel from Granny's college graduation in 1963.

then we went to my parents' place and hung out with a whole bunch of family. everyone was drinking, some folks pretty heavily. the night wore on, and people left, until it was just thmarn and I and my dad and my aunt hanging out. we stayed up for hours, talking and drinking. it was a little weird, a little like being in grad school again at the end of the party when all but the die-hards have gone home.

my parents have agreed to have thanxgiving at our place. I'm excited and a little nervous.

this week thmarn and I go to boston for a conference. we've been looking forward to it for months.

I love you, I love you, I do

2008-10-27T11:22:00.002-04:00

this weekend, I went to wisconsin to see my family. my granny is dying. actively. every minute my phone does not ring is another minute she's held on. every minute I wait I am thinking of her.

it's sad, because she's always been a "take care of me" kind of person. now that she can no longer communicate, it's hard to know what her wishes are. based on her past, she probably wants to be taken care of, fought for, nursed back to health. but that absolutely is not possible, so it's saddening to know that we can't help.

we've come to the place where we're making her comfortable. like me, she doesn't tolerate morphine very well, but she's on other stuff that is doing the job. a couple of days ago, when she could still say "yes" and "no," she denied being in any pain, so we're hoping it's still the case.

when I saw her on saturday, she was still talking every now and then, but all she was saying was "I love you." it was very hard for her to talk, and I think that was all she thought of as worth saying. when I left the hospital saturday night, we had a moment when we looked at each other, she said she loved me, and I told her "I know." I said I loved her too. it was the only time all day when I definitely thought we connected.

the doctors have impressed me. ever since becoming arthritic, my respect for physicians has gone downhill. I feel increasingly cynical about the whole medical industry, actually. but granny's doctors and nurses have been articulate, respectful, affectionate, and kind. they are treating her and us like human beings. I wonder if they're trained to be humane at the end of life in a way that they're not in the middle of it.

granny was a teacher for many years. growing up, she would ask me if I wanted to be a teacher, and I would say no, never. once I became one, we laughed about this. especially because I was a teacher at first by default--that's what academics do when we're not doing our own research. but then I started to get better at it, and enjoy it, and next thing I knew, I was a teacher by choice. I'm glad granny got to see the transformation.

we weren't all that close, but I got to see her frequently, and I will miss her.

unbreak broken, it won't happen

2008-10-14T15:00:00.002-04:00

I gotta post more often.

warming my friend's home was great. it's always so good to have a change of scenery, to take a break. I saw great friends, and got good hugs.

this past weekend we went to see tegan and sara. we've seen them twice before, but not headlining. the first time it was at a college show, and the guy sitting next to us spent their whole set shouting that he wanted to see the main act. his girlfriend looked embarassed by him. the second time was at the eagles in milwaukee, and again, the woman behind us spent the time putting them down and saying that they should just finish. both times my enjoyment was significantly lessened by the jerks around me. last saturday, we were in a huge theatre, a real theatre, and everyone was in love with them. it was lovely, and happy, and fun.

and the people watching was amazing.

in two days my semester will be half over. how'd that happen?

I miss the sun shine away

2008-10-02T12:57:00.002-04:00

I think it's finally time to put on pants.

so far this fall I've been able to avoid it. I've worn skirts to teach in every day, and worn shorts on the days that I don't teach. but it's pretty chilly now, so I think it's time for jeans.

it's not that I don't like jeans and pants. it's just that I hate having to wear them 8 months out of the year. part of it is also to see how long I can do it. I made it to october, so that's pretty good. it reminds me of the year that MP and I were really broke, and didn't turn on the heat until november 1. the night we got dressed up for the halloween party we were laughing about how cold it was. that was the year that I dressed up as courtney love, so I wasn't really wearing much either.

october 1 is another milestone for me--I have now been off the steroid for as long as I was on it. that's huge for me, and I'm very pleased and proud.

this weekend we're getting out of town. first we're visiting my parents, then going to help a friend warm her home. she's having a huge get-together, so that should be lots of fun.

the job search has officially begun. I'm hoping, hoping, that this is my year.

this is more than pleasure, babe, this is happiness

2008-09-25T17:56:00.003-04:00

tomorrow is thmarn's birthday!!

I won't be blogging on the actual day, because we have stuff planned that will keep me away from the computer. so I'm doing it ahead of time!

thmarn: I hope your day, and your year, is happy and fun and full of life and love and all the things you love most. Things like baseball, and kitties, and music, and art, and laughter, and good movies, and mornings spent sleeping in. I look forward to every day of it. I love you.

non-thmarn readers: send happy birthday thoughts her way!

everything old is new again

2008-09-20T22:34:00.002-04:00

before the year 2000, I didn't worry that much about what I wore. this is not to imply that I didn't pay attention to it, but I didn't care that much what the people around me thought of what I was wearing. this resulted, for better or worse, in a great deal of confidence in what I looked like.

then I shared teaching responsibilities with a woman several years older and much more cosmopolitan. she knew labels, she knew spa treatments, she got her clothing tailored. after working with her, I put more thought into what I wore at work. not necessarily because I cared, but because I was newly aware of the fact that others noticed whether I cared or not.

over the years, my teaching attire has grown more conservative and, ultimately, more boring. while at first I looked for clothes that were just more professional versions of what I might wear every day, eventually I ended up in dockers and vneck sweaters and khaki skirts.

not this year. while I'll keep the quality pieces in my closet and rotate them, I'm putting pleasure back into my work wardrobe. I want to wear stuff that I'd consider wearing out after work rather than stuff I can't wait to get out of.

this might be because I'm noticing in my fashion magazines a return to some of the clothes that really please me: velvet accents, longer hemlines on tops, shorter hemlines on skirts. clothing with I like to look at and like to wear.

or it might be because one reason for the conservative clothing was the fact that I'm job hunting, and want to look as acceptably employable as possible. guess what? I still haven't landed the big job, so why not wear what I want?

this post is, I know, pretty superficial. however, my semester keeps chugging along, and there's not a lot new on my front. classes are going well, my health is good, and I'm finally adjusting to the sleep schedule again. one of my after-school vices is looking at fashion magazines, so I notice what's artificially trendy.

now I'm off to have a beer and play video games. happy saturday night.

I just had to smoke a cigarette and wear a hat

2008-09-10T10:51:00.002-04:00

wow, this semester is keeping me busy. I only work 4 days a week, so when I'm here, I am working.

my garbage disposal doesn't like raw fresh ginger. I guess because of the woody texture? but it sure makes my kitchen smell awesome when it finally does grind up.

when you're gone, you're still at home

2008-08-31T21:06:00.003-04:00

ok, more musings on our trip to bg:

after I'd arrived, and thmarn had arrived, and we'd hung out with friends and it was time to go to bed, we settled down on md and ll's couches. these are very, very comfortable to sleep on. we checked and double-checked our alarms, then turned out the lights.

the windows were open, and a very pleasant breeze came through, cooling our skin. we were "home," we were tired, we were happy. as I lay there, I noticed the sound of crickets from outside. I realized that I'd missed it a lot. where we live now, all we usually hear through our windows at night are the sounds of cars and occasionally people talking. the crickets were a cheerful, soft, summery sound to me.

leaving bg was much more difficult than I had thought it would be. separating myself from that place and those friends was painful. I worried about what the next year would bring, if I would be ok. when we finally got home, I was exhausted. we unpacked, did our laundry, and relaxed a bit before bed. after we got into bed, and after we'd whispered and giggled ourselves out, we started to drift off to sleep. just before I slid from wakefulness, I realized that I could hear the soft sound of crickets from outside.

I wake up exhausted

2008-08-28T12:57:00.002-04:00

on monday, I got a tetanus shot. not for an urgent issue, but I'm due and I was at the doctor anyway, so I just did it.

monday was the first day of classes.

I'm not sure that was a wise decision.

I've been exhausted and achy all week. let's hope it was the shot, and not that I'm in for an exhausting, achy semester.

classes themselves are going ok. I have four sections of the same class, so by the time I've gone over the same info 4 times, I am really bored with it.

I'm going to turn dining back into eating

2008-08-25T19:03:00.002-04:00

a couple of weeks ago, I was in BG. I spent some of the happiest days of my last year there. I have a few ruminations to share, which will come out as time allows.

the first:

I got to BG around suppertime after a day on the road. MP and I stayed with MD and LL, who very generously opened their home to us. two days earlier, I called MD and tried to establish an ETA. when I said I didn't have dinner plans, he offered to make me sushi. he told me later that my response was very positive, although I don't remember anything except for my glee.

MD is an amazing cook. I've been fortunate to know several good cooks in my time, especially in BG. but there's something really special about MD's food. many of his dishes are made from recipes he got from friends, and he's always quick to credit them. however, I think that MD could make a dish, and someone else could make the exact same recipe, and there would be a quality about MD's that made it different, more enjoyable.

we've talked many times about food, as I enjoy cooking very much. I'm not nearly as good at it, especially since I don't have the patience, but I like to do it and I like to talk about it. and I think that one reason his food is so good is because he loves to make it.

he loves to watch people enjoy what he makes. he enjoys feeding people. he likes to spend time taking care to tweak and change and perfect his dishes. and I think I've loved everything he's ever served me, from grilled asparagus to black-eyed peas with spinach to vegetable ragout. it's always special to him, I think, to make food that other people like.

I thought about that sushi for much of my drive. and when I arrived, it was everything I was hoping: at least six different kinds, labeled (!), freshly rolled. the rice was the perfect texture, the rolls were the perfect size, and everything tasted somehow like the word fresh. I ate and ate and ate, going back to the table many times, trying to catch up between my mouthfuls and my exclamations of joy.

MD said he had meals planned for any times that MP and I didn't have dinner plans. we never got to them, though: we always went out. I didn't get to eat the ragout or the mac and cheese. but that sushi was my first meal back, and it was the best welcome I could have thought of.

the river has more colors at sunset than my sock drawer

2008-08-21T11:54:00.002-04:00

How I spent my summer vacation:

*I read lots of fiction.

*I got lots of sleep.

*I got some sun.

*I travelled to Ohio twice--great trips, both of them.

*I saw thmarn graduate--possibly the proudest I've ever been.

*I wrote an article.

*I thought about the upcoming year as little as possible. Now it's upon me. I actually feel mostly ok about it.

fall classes start monday. now that I'm back at work, stay tuned for more frequent posting.

I'm younger than that now

2008-07-22T23:15:00.004-04:00

a couple of weeks ago I went to visit my parents, who decided to have relatives visit for the fourth of july. an impromptu reunion, if you will. and everyone showed up! well, except for MP, who stayed here to watch the kitties. the kennels were full at such short notice.

the reunion was fun. one of my cousins has adopted a little boy from russia, and we all got to meet him. he's two years old, and now that he's getting over the shock of transplantation, he's the happiest, smiliest kid ever. he loves me, as most young kids do, and I just adore him.

otherwise, hanging with family went very well. even my brother and his wife were perfectly pleasant and nice. it was almost eerie. I spend a lot of time before hanging with family psyching myself up. I pack carefully, try to think of clever ways to answer possible intrusive questions, etc. so when everything goes smoothly, it's a little unnerving.

but my favorite part of the weekend was the fourth itself. I had a great drive, got some great pizza, and was able to hang out with my friend JLS and her partner TS. we met at a coffee shop downtown, and chatted and laughed a lot, then decided to walk up the block to the Bodega. the Bodega is one of my favorite drinking establishments ever. it has a phenomenal selection of beers, it has sofas, and it has board games. the ambience is amazing, and the music is usually good.

as we walked up the street, the fireworks started. JLS walked backward to watch them while TS and I teased her, but I looked over my shoulder to see them too. we got carded at the door, and JLS had to go to her car to get hers. TS and I sat at the bar and ordered and chatted. he's super laid-back and easy to talk to. JLS came back, and the three of us had a few beers and talked and laughed. I got some parenting advice for my possible future. eventually the fireworks ended and the bar got crowded, so we finished our drinks and called it a night.

I got back to my parents' place and looked up at the sky. they live in the country, and I got a view of the night sky that I usually only see when camping.

see? what a great day.

...and the livin' is easy

2008-07-11T01:01:00.002-04:00

yesterday, I slept till noon. I got up and had a leisurely breakfast and coffee with my grrrl. I headed down to the pool with a fashion magazine. after flipping through it, sitting in the sun, for about an hour, I called MP down and we splashed in the pool for awhile and threw a ball around. we came upstairs and had a snack. I had a margarita and watched a movie. we did the laundry. we watched part of season six of the Sopranos, had another snack, and went to bed.

how often does a day like that happen?!

dumb as a box of hammers

2008-06-29T17:10:00.003-04:00

it's summer. among other things, like getting a little sun and a lot of sleep, I've been reading fiction (I got two Octavia Butler novels for my birthday, and I think they're brilliant and paranoia-inducing), rearranging the apartment, watching tv, and staying up late.

often these last two happen at the same time. mp and I love to surf cable networks late at night. VH1 Classic, for example, has a show called "metal mania" that is hi-larious. video after video of metal tunes. on Logo, we sometimes watch their show that features new videos that are "of interest to" lgbt people.

the other night, we saw the video for katy perry's "I kissed a girl" video. and like, omg, it's totally about a girl who kisses another girl! apparently some folks think this is super cute. this invites the conversation of whether or not homo-affectionate imagery is always a good thing, even if it's in a girls-gone-wild kind of way.

in this video, the singer frolics with a whole flock of women who are all wearing high-glamour pinup wear. satin bustiers and textured hose, opera gloves with jewelery over them, that kind of thing. they're all lounging around in a bedroom and in a strange grotto-like scene.

it was late at night, and I wasn't sure I understood the video. who were these women? where were they? at one point, they actually got into a pillow fight. the only thing I could think of was that they were in the staging area of a victoria's secret fashion show that was happening on the other side of the shrubbery. it was so frothy and candy-colored and over-the-top that I couldn't tell if it was a music video or a commercial for high-gloss porn. but I guess there was a sort of narrative, because at the end of it the singer wakes up in bed next to some dude. so I guess the point is that she was dreaming it.

who is this video for?

trying hard to convince herself that all her better days are not in the past

2008-06-29T16:37:00.002-04:00

a few observations about our time in bg (I know, I'm so behind in my blogging):

-a lot of people I know have foot problems. it's not just me, MP, and my dad. seriously, I had lots of conversations about shoes and what to wear that's not painful.

-I'm really used to it being just me and MP. there were a ton of times that I realized how many folks were around me, and how unusual that was. it was great, and I'm glad I didn't feel overstimulated. it's just that I'm no longer used to hanging out with a group of people on a regular basis.

-the place I live now is really square. I already knew this, but it was a lovely shock to see folks walking around in different types of styles and clothes. I've grown accustomed to seeing nothing but the same abercrombie uniform, baseball caps, and blonde-highlighted ponytails. I really mean it, almost everyone here wears this.

and, for those of you still waiting to hear the verdict, I'll be seeing this uniform for another year. I'm going nowhere.

don't know much about geography

2008-06-13T12:18:00.003-04:00

while on the road last week, thmarn and I were discussing basic skills that are good to have. I was saying that it's good to know how to drive a stick shift. thmarn said that riding a bike is useful. I think that knowing your multiplication table through 12x12 is a good idea.

what are some skills that you think are good to know?

love is kinda crazy

2008-06-13T12:17:00.000-04:00

hey, it's friday the 13th! do something spoooooooky today!

where my thoughts escaping

2008-06-13T11:14:00.002-04:00

so, bg was wonderful. we saw so many people we love. we went to grounds and pagliai's and squeaker's and mr. spot's and el zarape and grumpy dave's...and howard's! walking into howard's I actually got choked up. MD and his lovely spousal unit were wonderful hosts, and put up with us not knowing what our plans were. thmarn passed her defense. we walked all over bg. I slept on the blue couch that had been in my living room for a year, and I'm happy that it's so comfortable, because my friend EA slept on it plenty of times.

in short, it was a wonderful trip. I'm looking forward to going back for graduation.

she looked at me with big brown eyes

2008-06-06T13:58:00.004-04:00

"except for you silent" and "you're pretty good looking" were written a couple of weeks ago, but it took me a while to get them uploaded.

we're back in MN. I'll report on BG soon. short version: a good time was had.

tomorrow we're going to a wedding. getting dressed up will be fun, but hanging with the fam...probably not so much.

except for you silent, you sit by the phone

2008-06-06T13:57:00.000-04:00

A few years ago, a friend told me that he doesn’t sit and wait for the phone to ring. I forget the context of the conversation, but I do remember thinking it an odd comment. I mean, who does sit around waiting for the phone to ring?

Then, I started to notice that…I do. At the time, I realized that because there was almost always something going on with friends, all I had to do was sit and wait…and someone would call, wanting to get food or coffee or a drink, or to go for a walk or shopping, or…you get the picture. Then, if I was sitting around, wanting to hang out, I’d wait, rather than call someone and get something started myself. Not all the time, of course, but often enough that I noticed that I was doing it.

I’m trying to write a paper right now. I’ve finally found my groove, but it’s still slow going. Actually, I have quite a list of things to do on my list of stuff to get done before next week’s trip: finish this paper, proof my manuscript, write a conference proposal abstract, clean the house, pack, see some friends…you know, stuff.

But the stuff’s not getting done. I’m distracted by the fact that I’m waiting for the phone to ring. I can’t even say that I expect it to ring, just that I want it to. I sit at the table, laptop before me, books and articles strewn about, and I keep glancing at my phone.

It’ll either ring or it won’t. why can’t I just deal with that and power through my to-do list?

At least I’m getting some blog posts written.

you're pretty good looking for a girl

2008-06-06T13:56:00.000-04:00

The last year has brought about a few changes in my appearance. For one thing, I’ve let my hair grow. This is largely out of laziness, but partly out of curiosity. I haven’t had long hair in such a long time that I wanted to know how it would look. For another thing, I’ve allowed myself to dress girlier than I have in years. It might be the stifling community in which I live, or my renewed interest in fashion magazines, or MP’s dissertation, but I’m realizing that my look has become pretty much as feminine as it gets.*

With this revived girliness** has come the side effect of unwelcome attention. I’d actually forgotten that when I present myself in such a conventional way I attract a lot of attention. Maybe I thought that since I’m older now, I’d passed the age of getting checked out so much. Of course, that assumption was ageist and did not account for the fact that there would be a whole other age group of folks to whom I might now be considered attractive.

In the lgbt community, there’s a sense of community that comes from “looking like what you are.”*** I know how to look like a genderqueer dyke, and I’m rewarded with the “nod” of recognition from other queer women in public. I sorely miss that moment of affinity if I’m walking down the street in knee boots and a skirt. I chafe under the approval of folks who tell me I’m “looking pretty,” because they’re rarely the same folks who compliment my other looks. One group of folks approves of and validates my “queer” appearances, and another group approves of and validates my “pretty” appearances, but rarely to these groups overlap.****

It’s not that I care so much about the approval of others. But people judge you based on your apparel and appearance no matter what. There’s no way for me to dress that isn’t making some kind of statement.

So I’m left with a conundrum. If I want to wear pretty things, skirts and eyeliner and camisoles, I have to square with the fact that people are going to look at me like I’m a commodity. I have to deal with the fact that queer folks might not read me as family. And I have to be ok with the fact that folks are going to assume that MP and I are a butch/femme couple. And if I don’t want these things, I have to do the extra work of educating folks on the parts of me that they can’t see.

*which is, of course, relative. I’m still not a puffy-sleeved, ruffly, mary-jane, curling-iron kind of grrrl. But I have been wearing a lot of skirts and eyeliner lately.

**wouldn’t it be awesome if there were a readily-recognizable look called “grrrliness”? I’d be all over that.

***this is actually the title of an excellent book on the subject, written by Lisa Walker.

****there are, of course, exceptions. Most of my blog readership, for example.

Can y’all tell I’m writing a paper right now? I might as well have footnotes.

celebrate good times, come on!

2008-05-30T11:52:00.001-04:00

major announcement:

yesterday, thmarn became dr. thmarn.

bg is wonderful. we'll be here another few days, soaking it all in.

life's good.

if I've found it, I pray that I can drown it

2008-05-08T12:26:00.005-04:00

the grading is done! marvelous. now I'm doing office hours all day today, and I'm tired and bored. not that I don't have work to do; I do. but there's this lovely moment of comfort that I'm exploiting. I got a magazine at the university bookstore just to have something fluffy to look at.

I'm wearing a knit fabric wrap dress that is way too comfortable. I feel like I'm wearing a bathrobe.

I'm excited for this weekend--4 days in the cities, going to museums and baseball games, eating fast food and shopping. it all seems very decadent.

I drove quite a bit in the past week, and my mind always wanders when I'm on the road. I was thinking about a day several weeks ago when I had a sort of meltdown. everything was awful all at once. a friend had sent me an email, and I responded with a burst of frenetic despair. rather than ignore me as a weirdo freak*, she responded with the sentiment: this too shall pass.

when I got that reply, it wasn't much of a comfort. for one thing, I didn't see the storm clouds passing. for another, one of the things that was freaking me out was the "passing" of my employment, and thinking about the future was too big for me at that moment.

but you know what? here I am, a few weeks later, and the weather is warmer and the sun is shining and my grading is done and I'm gonna be ok. this crazy, hard year is finally over. my friend was right; it passed. I still don't know what the upcoming year holds for me, but I do know that I have a lot to look forward to, and a lot to be happy about, and a lot to be thankful for.

*she actually may think I am a weirdo freak, but not because I was having a meltdown that day. we're really different, and I'm probably pretty eccentric to her, but we've always gotten along really well. she's one of the very few pre-college friends of mine who I'm actually still friends with.

come back every year

2008-04-22T11:21:00.002-04:00

ok, I'm still grading. but thmarn pointed this out to me the other day, and I wanted to post it. it's adorable. (it's noisy, btw.)

nobody's gonna save my place tonight

2008-04-18T15:08:00.004-04:00

still grading. 3 weeks from today is the last day of finals, whew. I plan to grade pretty much the whole time thmarn is gone next week. I might actually finish. I wrote up a checklist of everything I need to do in those 3 weeks, and it isn't pretty. besides grading and finishing up my semester, I have a paper to write and submit. it's not really due in 3 weeks, but I'd rather spend my summer vacation lounging by the pool with thmarn than writing about pirates and vaginas.

it's no small thing that it's been warmer here (in the 50s and 60s) this week. we've been able to resume one of my favorite warm-weather activities, walking. there's an adequate walking trail behind our apartment complex that surrounds a square pond that is home to ducks and geese. in any given direction, one can see warehouses, commercial districts, apartment complexes, and garbage dumpsters. it's a far cry from our tree-lined grove street. there's a cool park pretty close to where we live where we could walk on trails surrounded by trees, but we have to drive to the park. I miss the luxury of walking out my front door and just walking.

gonna get high on, high on, high on love

2008-04-03T12:54:00.002-04:00

when my grrrl and I got married a few years ago, some friends stood up and said some lovely things about us. our friend dorotha said that our relationship reminded her of the moment in Say Anything when Lloyd Dobler points out a pile of glass in the parking lot of the Gas n' Sip so Diane Court doesn't walk through it. knowing how much dorotha loved this movie, I was incredibly touched that she compared us to it.

last night thmarn and I went to see some thee-ah-tah. Ann-Marie MacDonald's Good Night Desdemona, Good Morning Juliet was being performed, and I wanted to see it. it was pretty good, although I think I would have understood it better had I brushed up my Shakespeare.

anyway, we had to park a block or two away. I was a little bit stiff (from the weather, I think) and walked holding thmarn's arm so she didn't wind up walking too much faster than me. this being a college campus, there was a big pile of what we assumed was vomit on the sidewalk, and thmarn pulled me by the arm far enough away so I didn't have to hop over it.

I thought of you, dorotha.

doing things is what I like to do...yes!

2008-03-26T12:06:00.002-04:00

I'm grading. and that's all I will be doing for a while. I can't really say that I'm catching up, but I am chipping away, and that's something. but it does mean that pretty much all my blogging time is being used, you know, doing my job. I'll post when I can.

too sexy for your cat

2008-03-21T12:40:00.003-04:00

I've been turning this on, turning up the volume, and minimizing the window. what a nice sound! makes me miss wick and bucket.

quick edit to add: wick and bucket are still with us!! I just post from work, and I miss them during the day when I see cute cat videos.

these are the hands

2008-03-17T15:17:00.004-04:00

having just taught 3 hours' worth of classes about Irish history in America, and about St. Patrick's Day, I feel less than celebratory. but maybe that'll change by tonight. as I sit here in dockers and a black vneck, eating peanut satay out of a box, I feel decidedly un-Irish.

however, I didn't want my sole Irish comment to be the maudlin post about "Ultraviolet," so I posted this gorgeous picture of an Irishman whose dedication to global politics and beautiful voice would make him sexy even if he weren't so damn sexy. his cronies are also gorgeous and sexy, and you can find them on thmarn's blog today.

I remember when we could sleep on stones

2008-03-17T11:57:00.004-04:00

I'm crazy behind in grading. I've got a paper to write that was accepted for a collection (yay!). my students are driving me insane. thmarn is on the cusp of finishing her dissertation and is becoming endearingly more prickly with each passing hour.

I think my favorite U2 lyric, ever, is from "Ultraviolet":

I remember when we could sleep on stones
Now we lie together in whispers and moans

I've analyzed these words over and over, and every time I hear them, I feel this yearning ache, a feeling like there's an empty cavern inside that will never be filled. the way the words are sung, they sound hauntingly nostalgic for "sleeping on stones," while "lying together in whispers and moans" sounds like a sad imitation of the good ol' days. I love these words.

now I'm applying them to my life here in this wasteland. I am totally miserable. my depression waxes from a paralyzing numbness to an acute grinding agony, then wanes down to a comical ennui. thmarn spends all day, every day, in her office, grinding out page after page, getting little social interaction and having no company except wick and bucket until I come home from work. we spend our evenings making dinner and watching tv and playing games. our lives are a long way from being the vibrant, exciting, socially packed lives we led a year ago. but we don't fight, not even the little bickering that everyone does. we take the time to be together, to talk about our relationship and our future, and to make our together time special and safe and a shelter from all the things that are hard for us right now. I feel closer to her than I have in a long time. that makes it sound like I've felt distant from her, but I haven't.

maybe we're sleeping on stones. maybe later, when we're gainfully employed in stimulating environments, when we have the leisure to plan vacations or a family, when we're once again involved in vibrant social circles, we'll look back to our time here wistfully, wishing to once again have all those evenings of chatting in the kitchen as I cook, of sitting down together with new recipes and telling stories of our days, and of spending our saturday afternoons in secondhand stores and grocery shopping.

which is all sort of a tangent. the students in my 10am class drive me crazy. every day after class I want to come back to my office and beat my head on the wall. on my way back from class today I had an image of myself doing just that. and I thought of that old joke: why do I keep banging my head against a brick wall? because it feels so good when I stop.

maybe it's time to stop. If I have to hate my job, I'd rather not be so invested in a future that's not going to come. maybe it's time to think of an alternate route on life's highway.

where I lay my head is home

2008-03-10T12:28:00.006-04:00

guess where I went for spring break?

I was in Philadelphia for the annual SCMS conference. it's so stimulating to talk to other people who care enough about film to study it. I imagine this is what people who work with similarly-minded people feel like all the time. huh.

anyway, I didn't have the time to do anything but conference. I got dinner with my mentor, but that's about it. the only reason I got a photo of "love" was because it was on my way to suburban station where I caught the regional rail.

I did, however, have a few (nonacademic) thoughts while on my trip.

one: I think I'd be pretty well-suited for living in a city. I love public transport, I love to walk, and I love to people watch. it was so refreshing to see different fashions, hairstyles, and skin tones. also, I stopped at a 7-11 several times to get food, and the food available was better than stuff I can get almost anywhere in my current city. exhibit A:
these dumplings were $3, vegan, and delicious. hell yeah.

two: I like cities a lot better when I have the time to explore them and the company of thmarn. there's so much to do that I didn't do.

three: the quality of your hotel can really impact your trip! I got to stay at this place that was more swank that I usually do, and it was nice. plus, this was my view:

nice, right?

four: I like plane travel. but it has its toll on one's appearance. when I was in the plane's washroom on the way home, I thought that the light was really good for eyebrow shaping. too bad that it plane's not steady. anyway, by the time I got home I looked awful.

a good trip. I'm happy I went. I want to see the city again, maybe sometime when I have the leisure to enjoy it.

go ahead and jump

2008-02-29T09:26:00.003-05:00

it's Leap Day, so here's some required reading...

http://leapdayaction.org/home.htm

I'm off to spend the day, if not changing the world, at least making myself feel better about my place in it. thmarn and I are going to see a movie, get groceries, eat dinner together, and, I'm sure, have stimulating, engaging conversations. it's an extra day, so she's taking a break from dissertating and I'm taking a break from my life.

take some time today to do something that's just for you. we won't have another friday Leap Day for 84 years.

give me my sad parts with some popcorn and some laughter

2008-02-26T11:50:00.002-05:00

ah, the Academy Awards. my superbowl. the end of my awards season. the awards I get excited about each year are the Golden Globes, the Screen Actors' Guild awards (my favorite, and most important), the Independent Spirit awards, and the Oscars.

many of the winners this year were predictable. however, as much as I expected it, it was cool to see Diablo Cody get up with her Louise Brooks haircut and tattoo to accept the award. first time I knew for sure that a former sex worker was getting an Oscar.*

the real thrill of the night was Freeheld winning for Documentary Short. I've had the pleasure of seeing the film, and it's very well-made. plus, a film fest I'm a part of is showing it this April, and now we get to say we're showing an award-winner. but I can't decide how I feel about the acceptance speech. Freeheld is about extending benefits to same-sex partners.** when Cynthia Wade came to the microphone, she talked about the "discrimination that I don't face as a married woman." she went on to thank her husband.

hm.

is this Wade's way of saying, "hey, just because I made this movie about lesbians, I'm not one. for the record, I am not a lesbian. got that?" she could just as easily thanked her partner (and named him, Matthew, by name, if she really needed to clarify), and said something like "this film is important because it illustrates the discrimination that same sex couples face." and left out the part about how she's not in one.

it reminds me of how my friend cw used to describe Eric McCormack, from Will & Grace, going on and on about how heterosexual he is, just in case people might think he's...that way.

what does it say that we have public figures saying that the homos are ok, that we're deserving of human status, but whoa, hey, they're totally not like that? is it another way of saying "some of my best friends are..."?

and, is it just me, or were the songs from Enchanted just god-awful?

despite my reservations, however, I loved the show. it seems like women are moving out of the "I'm going to wear a ponytail to the Oscars" phase (although some, like Cameron Diaz and Anne Hathaway, still did it). everyone looked great, and seemed really happy. I laughed, I clapped, I held my breath. and I was reminded that I really, really want to shag Jon Stewart.

*I know, of course, that Cody can't be the first former sex worker to win an Academy Award. but it's the first time I was aware of a person being open and unapologetic about it.

**which, of course, is an issue I feel torn over. do I think that all people deserve equal treatment regardless of the gender of their partner? of course. and it bugs me that I've never worked a job where thmarn had access to my benefits (although she's worked a job where I could have participated in her plan). but on the other hand, I don't think anyone should be rewarded for being part of a couple. coupled folks shouldn't have access to benefits that single people don't.

you may find yourself in a beautiful house

2008-02-23T18:24:00.003-05:00

hey...this is my 100th post on this blog!

anyway, yesterday I was riding the bus home, and I saw this cute alternaboy. he was dressed all in black and had big sunglasses. his hair was long in some places and shaved in others, black and purple and glossy. it made me smile, as pretty much everyone here looks like they were manufactured by American Eagle or Hollister.

as I sat down, I realized how I looked. I was wearing, under my Land's End winter jacket, my chocolate brown Dockers and an ivory chenille sweater. I had on hush puppies shoes. my hair and makeup were quiet and tasteful. I looked, in fact, like a sellout.

now, I know that I've only ever been a middle-class white girl, but I've always chafed under the prospect of looking "like everyone else" for the sake of social acceptance. but then, as a teacher, I actually strive to look tasteful and unremarkable for the sake of the content of the class. so why did I get bent out of shape?

because right now I'm striving for a look that will make me hireable. I want to look polished, and professional, because I want a job. but my job search is, so far, fruitless. for all the good my sellout look is doing me, I could be letting my freak flag fly.

the coffee is just water dressed in brown

2008-02-20T12:35:00.003-05:00

last night I made Millet Pie. it's made with mashed potatoes, millet, leeks sauteed in butter, thyme, and marjoram. I've made it before, but it's been awhile.

it was like waking up. for weeks I've been making three or four dinner recipes, casseroles and lasagna and sandwiches. it's been the start of the semester and I haven't had the time to cook real food. (the exception is my curry, which I make almost every week.) but this was like eating something intended to nurture and please you, not just sustain you. so. good.

then, this morning, I got up and made coffee. thmarn and I got a new coffeemaker last week, and it's been giving us trouble. but this morning it was wonderful.

so I'm going to take my little pleasures and make the most of them. even though it's -13 degrees, the sun is shining and I feel good.

started out as an excuse, then became something to believe

2008-02-08T22:29:00.000-05:00

thmarn and I were out earlier, and had this discussion...

me: wouldn't you rather be at Howard's right now?

themarn: (laughs) I'd almost always rather be at Howard's! hanging out at Howard's with friends is almost always better than what I'm doing!

me: I am so putting that on my blog.

happy friday night, everyone.

when the going gets rough, just shop with somebody tough

2008-02-07T12:00:00.000-05:00

I love to shop. I do it all the time. I'm lucky that I'm partnered with someone who also enjoys shopping. together we can shop all day, breaking only for lunch, and never get bored or run out of things to look at or talk about.

I love to shop online. ebay is especially dangerous. mostly I use the internet as a way to look at things that I can't find in my shopping area. I still often seek them out in person.

I love to shop at stores. I like to wander around, looking at all the pretty things. I like all kinds of stores. secondhand stores are my favorite, but I also like drug stores, grocery stores, liquor stores, kitchen stores, outlet stores...and I love malls, especially the Mall of America. my grrrl and I head there every now and then and just wander, looking at the orgy of consumption. there's something...anesthesizing...about it all. malls are, actually, a place to go if you're looking to stop thinking. what's funny about the MOA, however, is that there's no guarantee that you're going to find what you're looking for. I'm searching for a pair of boots right now that's available on the internet, but I wanted to see them in person first. no store at MOA has 'em.

I love "the find." when you find something amazing, something you weren't expecting or something you've wanted for a long time.

and I love catalogs. last night, after my hard day, I went home, changed into pjs, ate pizza, had a drink, and sat on the couch with the tv on looking through catalogs. loooooved it.

I go through periods where I just want to shop and shop, and periods where I don't want to spend any money on anything. these periods often coincide with my moods. you know how some folks eat when they're depressed? not me; I lose most of my appetite. I like to shop when I'm depressed, as if I'm going to find something, purchase something, that will fill up my life and satisfy me. when things are good, I often feel that my life is so full that I don't desire anything else. except food--when I'm happy, I eat a LOT.

wave as I sink like a stone

2008-02-06T12:22:00.000-05:00

the thing about having major depression in your past is that you lose the luxury of saying you've never been so miserable. because you know how much worse it can get. hahaha. I think I can say with some confidence, however, that I've never been so dissatisfied with my work before. much of my working day is spent fantasizing about its end--when I get to leave. getting out of bed is hard not because it's cold in the apartment or because I'm still sleepy but because all I have ahead of me is a day of work.

you all thought I was done with this self-indulgent whining, didn't you? fooled you!

the larger trajectory of my career is not negative. I have high hopes for the future. my individual accomplishments are not suffering. but the actual daily labor is a real grind.

so when I sit down to write a blog post, I'm preoccupied by the general suckitude of my surroundings. I have nothing insightful or meaningful to say. I should really update the blog from home, where I find I am a much more cheerful, happy, comfortable, satisfied person.

this is the way, it's the way that we live

2008-02-04T15:33:00.001-05:00

hey folks! anyone watching Season 5 of The L Word? I am loving it.

last night's episode had a party scene in it that reminded me so much of our 450 parties. loud music, dancing, lots of safe and conspicuous drunkenness, gathering in the kitchen, funny and intense conversations.... ah, do I ever miss that life!

here's a clip:

just a shout out to all of you who made 450 parties what they were! I miss you.

if only I could have a puppy

2008-02-04T15:17:00.000-05:00

yesterday was puppy bowl IV. thank you, thank you, thank you, mg, for finding this three years ago. this is a wonderful and sweet celebration of puppies every year! I just turn it on, and start squealing and jumping and trying to wag my own tail.

there's even a "kitty halftime show" for those of you who don't like dogs.

I used to think that everyone loved puppies. but I've leared that there are lots of folks who don't. huh.

if you do, however, the puppy bowl is a wonderful experience to try to counteract the blues of winter.

I don't want to see

2008-01-25T22:50:00.000-05:00

isn't is strange, the things that bother you?

I set my DVR to record "Breaking Bad," a new show on AMC, because one of the commercials intrigued me. I only got through about 7 or 8 minutes and had to shut it off. and then it still bothered me for days.

there's this guy, and he's turning 50, and he's a high school teacher. one scene shows him in class, and shows the students all bored as hell or paying no attention. he has to tell one kid to get back to his seat, and the kid does that thing where he drags his chair noisily and generally acts like an asshole. (I seriously wanted to hit that kid with a chair.) three shots later, the 50-year old guy is cleaning tires on a car (it's his second job), and the asshole kid is there, and laughs at him.

this is where I had to turn it off. I really can't watch that stuff.

despite the fact that this bothered me so much, I wanted to know about the rest of the show. did it get good? so I did a quick internet search, hoping there was a television-without-pity type of write up. I found one on wikipedia, but I also found a piece on Crave that describes our high school teacher as a wimp, and that his being pathetic was one of the great things about the show. mentioned in a list of why his life sucks is that his wife is pregnant and his son has cerebral palsy.

(if you work two jobs because you love your family, and a teenager is an asshole to you, that makes you pathetic?)

further research suggests that the beginning that I found too heart-wrenching is in place to make later events coherent. this may be. maybe if I'd been able to keep watching I would have been vindicated. but I couldn't get through it.

my friend mg can't watch people vomit. kp can't stand spit. da can't watch anything with a straight-razor. and I can't watch bullying.

what makes you change the channel?

keep on aching the same heartbreak

2008-01-22T14:23:00.000-05:00

I burned myself on my oven the other day. it's an impressive and unattractive purple welt on the back of my left hand, between the knuckles of my index and middle fingers.

the last time I burned myself on my oven, it was the spring of 2005. you can see it in the photo on the right, on my right forearm. I remember it because I was cooking furiously, therapeutically. I had a lot on my mind, I was baking for a purpose, and I burned myself. I took it as a sign at the time. I still have a scar.

this burn was just me being careless. but it reminds me of that other burn, and of the way that our scars create a map of who we are and where we've been, the histories of our injuries. I've often thought about how our emotional injuries don't show, and what we would all look like if they did. I love my scarred skin; would I love it if you could see all of my pain? I don't have an answer.

I think I used to have a scene with him

2008-01-22T14:16:00.000-05:00

I'm finishing the last few things I need to do before I can mail my manuscript. I'm excited to have this stage be almost over, and it was great to peruse my dissertation again. Going over it, it's a better project than I remember. In a few days, once it's mailed out, I can work hard again on the job search, and on my next article projects. And, of course, on the semester.

It's been really cold here, but the sun shines brightly.

Every day, I think of something I want to blog about. Every time I'm at the computer, I'm working and/or in a rush to get to doing back to non-computer work. But rest assured that the witty (?) reflections on my northern mood swings will return...I just have to find my pace for the semester.

this is forever or till one of us dies

2008-01-16T15:02:00.000-05:00

spring classes began today. three down, one to go. I always feel so hopeful at the start of the semester--there's so much potential. it'll be weeks before they crush my spirit.

over break, I slept. it was glorious. especially for the last two weeks, I've been resting and playing around. mp and I have shopped, played video games, watched tv, gone to movies, and generally ignored the rest of the world. obviously, neither of us updated our blogs much.

and I needed it. I really feel rested and relaxed now. well, relatively relaxed. I'm still thinking constantly about the job search. but I'm able to start a new semester refreshed.

more on everything later.

that hurry-home look in your eyes

2007-12-28T21:54:00.000-05:00

mp's plane comes in in two hours. I leave for the airport in a couple of minutes. I'm excited to see her--it's been 16 days.

while visiting my parents, I also got to see two old and dear friends. I gave them my blog url, so now pretty much everyone in my life except coworkers and family read this thing.

I've been fighting a mild cold for about a week now. mostly a throat that can't decide between sore and dry and some mild congestion. what a pain. I keep expecting to feel better in the morning. maybe tomorrow?

jane and I were having solstice

2007-12-21T18:40:00.000-05:00

it's the winter solstice. the sun has set. when it rises again, it will be up for a little longer every day now.

I did my holiday shopping today. I'm almost done now. I need to make a couple of stops once I get to my parents' town, but that's it. I'm done wrapping too. I like shopping for gifts, and I like wrapping them too. I got myself hair detangler while I was out, and was so excited to be getting myself something. it cost me 99 cents. I had to look in 5 different stores before I found a holiday card for my lover that doesn't say "christmas" in it. I'm not done shopping for her yet, but I have more ideas.

happy solstice, everyone.

it's beginning to look a lot like

2007-12-18T16:42:00.000-05:00

wow. the semester is over. I've done everything I'd intended to do here at school today. I'm free to go home and work there.

that is to say, I still have to develop job letters for a couple of jobs that are due in January, and I need to work on my syllabi for next semester, and I need to work on book revisions, and I need to shop for the holiday, etc.

but this semester is over. I have that usual weird weightless feeling haunted by the panic that there's still more to be done. I feel this every semester. usually I go out with friends or go to a party or at the very least celebrate with mp, but tonight...I can go home and hang out with my cats. I mean, I could go to dinner or something, but by myself.

I've noticed that my friends' blogs are all slowing in production. I think that as academics we all sort of exhale at this time of year, and let go of things like writing and blogging, at least for a little while. happy end of semester, everyone, and enjoy your breaks!

baby it's cold outside

2007-12-14T09:17:00.000-05:00

wednesday and yesterday the temp. hit double digits. the air was soft again, and exposed skin was comfortable outside.

on the bus this morning, the bank said it was -4 degrees F. I don't think it feels that cold, but it is face-numbing again. it's not so bad during the day, but when the sun goes down, the cold takes on a bitterly icy edge.

when I was young, my grandfather owned a campground. my happiest pre-college memories are from my time spent there. he had a rec hall with a small arcade. for several summers, there was a mortal kombat game. my brother would play and play until he was really good. his favorite character was sub-zero. I would love it when he would win and yank the spinal column out of his opponent. it's nice to remember good memories, back when we were friends, before queerness and christianity came between us. I didn't even send him a birthday card this year. I presented my family tree to my ASL class, and I learned the sign for "estranged".

I'm in the throes of grading. mp is gone to her parents', but she calls me nightly and tells me about sitting in the outdoor hot tub under the warm south carolina sky.

what do I take away?

2007-12-10T18:38:00.000-05:00

all right, I finally have a contract, so here's my news, y'all.

my dissertation's being published. in 11-16 months, you'll be able to buy it. weird.

I'm most happy about the fact that this makes me more hire-able. hopefully it will help me land the job I've been waiting for.

in other news, today marks 8 years since my first kidney stone attack. fun memories.

I was wearing black so you could see me against the sky

2007-12-09T14:35:00.000-05:00

it's cold here. really. not a fan of cold weather, you'd think the cold would piss me off.

strangely, it's not. for the last couple of weeks, after the weather turned sharply cold rather than softly cold, I feel I've had increased clarity of thought. it also might be because the massive amounts of grading I'm doing is keeping me busy. but for some reason, the cold seems to be doing me some good.

two reasons this might be: in bg winter was 1) damp and 2) dim. here the cold is dry. there's not that pervasive clammy damp upon me at all times. this might be the difference in geography or it might be that our apartment in bg was gross. also, it seemed that the sky in bg was always, always grey in the winter. here, if it's not snowing, the sky is clear and the sun shines strongly. like my friend mg, I'm solar powered, so this is a welcome change.

I'm still depressed, but at least the depression seems content-oriented rather than ambient since I've been able to clear my head and focus. that is, I'm depressed about things rather than just inexplicably hollowed-out-feeling.

thmarn leaves to visit her parents in 3 days, and I finish grading at about the same time, so I'll have lots of time to catch up on blogging then.

you've got to kick a little

2007-12-04T16:07:00.000-05:00

ok, ok, I give. I just left my building to walk across campus for class. it's snowing, a very beautiful, fluffy snow that turns the whole world white. it's brand new, so it hasn't had the time to get filthy yet. I'm not a fan of snow, or the cold, or winter...but damn, it's pretty today.

and what do I see on a bench? a teeny, tiny little snow-person. two snowballs high with little twigs for arms and gravel chunks for buttons and eyes. well, how can someone see that and not smile? no one had even knocked it over or peed on it.

I would have taken a picture to share with y'all, but mp likes it when I leave our camera with her now. apparently wick and bucket like to take pictures for their blog?

why I ever survived to be old

2007-12-04T10:33:00.000-05:00

mp says I should update my blog.

if you read her blog, you already know that things here in MN aren't great. for a number of reasons, I find myself unhappy and dissatisfied. so I haven't been posting because I don't want to become a broken record of "poor me, I hate everything." that's no fun to read, and it would get boring pretty quickly.

I was walking across campus this morning when I realized that I've been off the steroid for 6 months. that's awesome! ten more and I'll have been off as long as I was on. so even if I'm not pain-free, I have to remember how much better I am than I was. and I really am. so there's that.

also, that news I talked about a month ago? I'll be able to reveal it really soon, and it's good news too. it's not like my life is this crazy pit of hell. it's just that the daily grind is really a grind right now. and I don't have the social network that really helped me through stressful times back in bg.

bottom line? same as is for so many academics in my position. hold on, hang in, and wait for the next step.

the people who care if I live or die

2007-11-18T23:40:00.001-05:00

alex is overwhelmed and tired.

I've had an amazing weekend, so cool and fun and stimulating. but I've had a weird few weeks. I just finished checking all my email and have stuff to respond to, but it's too overwhelming for me to do right now. tomorrow. yet I feel compelled to post, just to have a post, just to verify or illustrate that I'm here, breathing, exhausted yet unmotivated to go through the motions necessary for me to be ready for bed.

I guess that's all.

feelin' good was good enough for me

2007-11-16T12:06:00.000-05:00

I was driving last night, going through the radio, trying to find something worth it. metal, rap, god music, commercials, country...then janis joplin. something nice in a wasteland.

I love driving at night. everyone in their little cars, each car its own little universe, strung together by the line of headlights...one of the best times to get some serious thinking done.

I want feeling good to be good enough. or, perhaps, it is enough, but I want to get to feeling good.

don't get too attached, this is just entertainment

2007-11-09T15:12:00.000-05:00

the other night I was on the phone with my friend cw, catching up and sharing news. she mentioned, in the context of other stuff, that I used to have a real problem with the Human Rights Campaign (HRC). I was reminded that, yes, they do irritate me with their centrist view of lesbian and gay rights.

wednesday, the U.S. House of Represenatives passed ENDA, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, which, if it gets signed into law, would protect lesbian and gay people from being fired for being queer.

(sort of weird to think that we can be at all, isn't it?)

this is a big deal. however, the language of the bill was altered so that it does not apply to gender expression, which means that, as usual, trans folks are left in the cold.

I got two emails that day. one, from the HRC, was titled "It happened today!" the text of the email was jubilant. the other, from Michigan's Triangle Foundation, was titled "ENDA Passes: Congress Fails Trans Community." the text of the email warns against being fooled, that this is not the victory it appears to be.

many times, when queer folks are discriminated against or harmed or made fun of, it is because of our gender presentation, because we're boyish or butch grrrls or women or girly or feminine boys or men. the times I've encountered anti-queer sentiment (except from family) has been because of the way I looked, not because I was engaging in romantic or sexual behavior with another grrrl. totally separate from the fact that this version of ENDA is discriminatory against trans folks, it doesn't really protect lesbian and gay folks either.

hey, HRC: no one is free while others are oppressed.

take a look at me now

2007-11-06T17:54:00.000-05:00

I finally got around to making a Simpsons character of myself. the clothes were all horrible, that's why I'm wearing these ugly shoes. but the rest isn't that bad!

what's it say? it says "it's okay."

2007-11-05T13:29:00.000-05:00

this past weekend I met up with some friends and just hung out for a couple of days. we had a wonderful time. it had been a while since we'd had a chance to be social and hang out and just have some fun. and we were with folks who we always have a good time with. it was fun to just catch up, and philosophize, and laugh, and stuff.

then, after it was over, I had a long afternoon and evening just thinking of the status of my life. I realized that I'm really dissatisfied with some (job-related) things. mp and I talked about it on the drive home, trying to think up ways to make our academic surroundings more exciting and meaningful.

then, this morning, I got some good news. it's a little early to share, but it's career related, and positive, and really really makes me wish I were in bg so we could all go to Howard's tonight.

it's so interesting to me that good news came to me after I'd done some concrete thinking about how to better my own situation. rather than just sitting and moping, how could I make things better right now? and that's when something changed for me? how interesting. hm.