what you wish for, you just might get it

this morning dawned rainy, chilly, and grey. it was hard to get up. I skipped the gym, but I had to go in to work to meet a student. after that I stayed to prep for classes and study for a quiz I had at 4:30. it was fairly productive and I enjoyed myself. then my class was canceled. it was weird--I had this giddy moment like I was getting away with something, like when I was in classes and one would get canceled.

I got home and immediately put on sweatpants. my csa score this week was potatoes and leeks, so I made a big pot of soup. mp was supposed to have a show this afternoon, but it was canceled because of the rain. hanging out making dinner was like we were both skipping class. we sat down and ate soup and bread while watching a little tv.

a friend called and asked us out for drinks, but since I have an early class tomorrow I'm staying home and mp is going out. but I'm going to get into bed and read a book.

it's funny, when I got up this morning and saw and felt the weather, I just wanted to hang out all day in pjs and read a book or watch tv. I got as close to that as I could have while still fulfilling my obligations. this crummy, crappy, chilly day turned out actually pretty great.

is there more to life than love and being together?

the life of an academic is filled with goodbyes. every year, I say goodbye to friends who graduate, get jobs, move away, go on adventures, go on to grad school, run off to live their dreams, or move to be closer to their families.

I'm mostly used to it. it's sad, but it's life, right? I can't keep everyone I love near me. and I myself have, on more than one occasion, been the one moving away for school or a job.

this year, three of my close friends were fortunate enough to find work and will be moving away, taking their partners with them. six friends I will not be seeing, hugging, laughing with on a weekly basis next year. I wonder when I will see them again. if I will see them again.

a couple of years ago, one of my dearest friends moved across the world from me, on an adventure with his partner. it seems as though things are mostly working out for him, and I'm happy and excited for him. but when he left, I hugged him and wondered when I would ever be able to do so again.

social networking sites help somewhat with this loss. even if I cannot hug someone, or go to dinner with them, I can keep up with what's new in their lives, and this makes me feel a connection.

but then, two weeks ago, a friend of mine died unexpectedly. I saw him several times a week, generally, and had seen him two days before he died. I've never lost a close friend to death, someone I see often and who is not old and not sick.

I miss him so much. he always made me laugh and I was always happy to see him. and I really haven't accepted his death, I don't think. I keep thinking, "I'll have to ask Matthew about that next time I see him" and then realizing he's not around. but even that realization is more like a delay...like he's just traveling for the summer and he'll be back in august, like so many other students. I'm not quite grasping that I will never, ever see him again, except in my memories and dreams. (I actually did dream about him last night. we're having a big party tomorrow night and I dreamed that he came to it. he was always at all of our parties.)

in other words, someone doesn't have to move away for there to be a possibility that I'll never see them again. every time I part with anyone may be the last time I see them. I hope this realization (if it ever really hits me) will make me a better person, to part from people on a good note, or at least in good will. there are so many wonderful, warm, unique people in my life, people I treasure, and I want our final interactions to be positive. since I'll never know when that might be, I'd like to live so that I'll never have to regret not having been kind when I could have been.

on the other hand, I hope this realization will help me be less afraid of having adventures of my own. if I am cautious and safe and stay near the ones I love, I will still have to say goodbye in some way, some day. there's no safety from that last conversation, the last hug, the last time I see your face in life.

I'm gonna soak up the sun

today has felt like summer. the weather is warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. I blew off work and sat on my porch with the cat, flipping through fashion magazines and blissing out to the warm day.

and daydreaming about this summer. in a few short weeks it will be summer vacation. I need to write an article and update another, but I'm also planning some fun times. I'm going to wisconsin for a week. I'm going camping. I'm going to spend as much time as possible outside, on my bike, or on a blanket with a book. I'm going to host brunches on the front porch, dinners in the backyard, and lots of evenings of drinking wine. I'm going to go to lots of local rock shows and get lots of sleep and work out. I'm going to work on a photo project about my health.

I'm going to love every day.

hide out from the ones you know will love you

I need a hobby.

yesterday I essentially waited all day for mp to come home from band practice. I assumed (erroneously) that she wouldn't be more than a few hours, and that we'd do something together when she got home. I had no reason to assume this, and when she'd been gone seven hours, I realized that I'd wasted a day.

I was angry. I still am. I feel like a fool for having wasted time that I could have spent doing...something. reading a book or watching a movie or writing an assignment or making a rubric or something. which brings me to my need for a hobby. the weather's not nice enough to go spend the day on a blanket in the park reading a book, so what to do when mp's off being a musician? besides sitting around like a damn fool, I mean.

this is something I've worked on before. I know I need to be more independent, make decisions and do what I want instead of waiting for others to fill my time. I need to learn to love time spent with myself, to be decisive and fill my time constructively rather than waste time until someone else comes along to fill it.

this isn't very organized. I've been thinking this over all day, frustrated and angry, and I thought I had it figured out more than this. I think the part I'm not being honest about is that I'm also annoyed that mp spends so much time with her bands. but the why of that should come back to me.

I ended up looking at bike repair websites, because my bike needs new tires and some other work. I learned some stuff, which is good.

a very very very fine house

I love my apartment. it's a love that comes from prolonged familiarity and an accumulation of positivity. this is the sixth non-consecutive year we've lived here, and we will very likely live here next year as well. we've found an arrangement that gives the place a wonderful flow, a unique feeling for each space. the room that went almost unused in our previous tenency is now our couch and tv room, cozy and rumpled. the large main room is now a workspace with a large table and many bookshelves. the room also doubles as a dining room or social space when many people are over. the small adjacent room now has several chairs and all of our music, and it's very cozy and social as well as where mp does her computer work. our bedroom is still the bedroom, but we've managed to arrange it so that it feels roomier and, I think, more inviting. there are so many improvements, including the fact that our eccentric neighbor is no longer next door (meaning we will be able to use our large backyard this summer).

I love it here. I love the front porch, a social space when people are here and a quiet reading spot when they're not. I even love the tiny stall shower, too small to shave comfortably. I love the large kitchen and all the food I make there. I love that I know how far it is from the bed to the bathroom in the middle of the night, or how far it is to the coffeepot in the morning. I love that I know which floorboards squeak.

at our new year's eve party, I found myself telling someone that I never want to leave. of course, I know that I can't live in this place forever. I don't even know if the floorboards can withstand our bookshelves and filing cabinets another year. this place has serious structural iffyness, the lights flicker when the fridge kicks on, the large windows are painted shut, animals often live under our floors, and I'm sure mp could go on about how crappy this building is.

but this is our honeymoon house, the first place we lived after getting married. this house is where I learned to cook, where I made sourdough starter for the first time, grew my own tomatoes (or, rather, watched mp grow them). I wrote my dissertation here. I've had so many parties, laughed so hard, made so many connections here. I've decorated these walls over and over, swapping the photos and the art but leaving some things always.

I was once healthy in this house. I was a runner in this house. I dyed my hair and shaved my head in this house. I got sick in this house, lost friends, cried myself out. I've had screaming matches, watched movies, had the best days of my life here. I performed a choreographed dance in front of an audience, tried to do yoga while drunk, deep fried twinkies.

I've scrubbed these floors and washed these windows, and I know this place intimately. it's my nest, my sanctuary, my home.

like you, I too have played with fire

we threw a party last september, and it was a great success. many people attended, including a great number who were new to town or unknown to us. one of these, with whom I had had a pleasant conversation during a get-to-know-you picnic, inquired about the Tamora Pierce books on the bookshelves. when I told her they were mine, we had a long and animated discussion about her books and about other fantasy narratives that focus on women.

she suggested I read books by Robin McKinley, and I've been hooked. I'm so excited to have been introduced to new fiction that, in addition to focusing on female characters, is really well-written. it's nice to have new worlds to fall into, to be exposed to new stories and new characters to stimulate my imagination. for all the harry potters and lords of rings, there are other stories that allow girls and women to be fully-developed characters rather than companions or love interests.

I started reading Pierce when I was 11 or 12, and still sometimes go back and read the Song of the Lioness quartet when I'm looking for something cozy and familiar. it's nice to discover another author I can let hang out in my cottage of imagination.

they'll reach in and grab what you're dreaming

hmmm.

I've eaten too much junk food and not enough real food, so I feel queasy and gross.

the temps are rising. the hard freeze is ending. this winter will be over, like every other winter in my life (so far).

thmarn and I are struggling, battling winter blues and worrying about our futures. I have heard that life is what happens while you're making other plans, so I'm trying not to worry about the fact that I have no other plans. life, as it is, is nice.

this is scattered...I'm not making sense. but I've been wanting to blog again, so there's nothing for it but to jump in. remind myself that this place is here. next time I have something to say or ponder, I'll head this way.